Yes, it's true. No, I'm Serious.

I have worked at the same bank since 1994.  I know what you are thinking....YAWN.  But I've rarely had a dull day at work.  There are TWO things people really get riled up over:  Their health and their MONEY.  And honestly, I'm not sure WHICH subject illicits more emotion.  I've never been a health care professional, never even played one on TV, but I've seen a lot of people 'act a fool' when it comes to their money.  And 99.999% of the time, whatever error the customer perceives, it usually ends up  that it was THEIR error. I can't speak for other banks, but when we make an error, we not only fix it, we send the customer an apology gift.  We seriously appreciate that we were given the opportunity to correct our error.  We are not perfect, but we STRIVE to be. 
Bank customers can be very creative. 
I recall that many years ago, a customer brought in a letter from Publisher's Clearing House that proclaimed "CONGRATULATIONS!! You are a FINALIST!! You may win $2,000,000!!!  "  This customer asked for a loan until their award could arrive.  It took the loan officer an hour to explain that she'd also received that same letter.  Yes, I am serious.  No, she did not get the loan, and Yes, she was seriously disappointed.

Another customer called nearly daily asking if his $2.4 million had arrived from his lawsuit of a drug manufacturer.  No, sir, your settlement has not arrived. Yes, sir, I remember you from yesterday and last week and last month and last year.  No, sir, I assure you the money has not arrived.  (The drug must have been crack, and his crack dealer probably skipped out without paying. It's downright criminal how unreliable crack dealers can be.)
I get very frustrated with reports of 'rich bankers' take advantage of poor consumers. Banks are not charitable organizations.  THIS IS A BUSINESS, PEOPLE.  Would you go to any other service provider or business and expect them to waive all their fees? Give away their merchandise for free?  Give you something because you kindly graced our establishment? Let's see how far you get when you pick up your dry cleaning and tell them you think that's too expensive and you are not going to pay.  Tell your doctor his services are not worth it.  Refuse to pay your hairdresser (just make sure the blow dryer is not in her hand when you tell her she isn't worth that much) and see how many bald spots you have after your next visit. 

No, Jeanette, as a matter of fact, we do NOT believe that your mother died and that you had to make a trip to Maine to go to the funeral, because three months ago when you told us your mother died, you said you had to take a trip to California for her funeral THAT time, and we can't waive another $95.43 worth of insufficient fees. Yes, that is a true story, but her name was not Jeanette. No, she did not have two mothers, and no, she didn't have a real mother and a step mother.

Customers can come up with some hilarious stories to try to get out of insufficient fees. One 'lady' (and I use the term loosely) had been in the negative for such a long time that we had to remove her overdraft protection.  She protested vociferously and often. She made some outrageous accusations about people taking her money; but ultimately, she always acquiesced that she was responsible.  So she came up with this: She said she was being considered as the top animator for the Disney corporation, even bringing in some of her art work.  When she gets this contract, she assured us, the money will be literally pouring in, and she would 'share the money with the bank' (which I thought was quite an odd assertion, but those were her words.)  This was northern Oklahoma.  Not a lot of Disney studios around here.  We referred to this as the 'Mickey Mouse Defense".  To this day, I poke my tongue in my cheek a little bit when I see Mickey Mouse.

We also see some pretty heinous stuff.  An elderly gentleman came in to put some safeguards on his account because he believed his drug addict son had stolen some checks from his home, and was writing checks.  Turns out, the son had the same name except for his middle name, but the INITIAL to his middle name was the same, so it was quite easy for him to present his ID and cash the checks. We identified the check numbers that were stolen and put a stop pay on them.  A few days later, his 'funding' cut off at the knees by the stop payments, the son drug the father into the bank with him to force his dad to cash a check and give him money.  While the dad was waiting on the teller to cash the check, the son gingerly slipped the checkbook out of his dad's hand, reached into the center of the book of checks and tore a few checks out before handing it back to Dad.  The son, very obviously high, agitated and dangerous, left with his dad.  We called the police, but Dad refused, yet again, to press charges.  Not doing this loser any favors, Dad.

One lady came in and wanted to add her grandson as beneficiary on her savings account.  We call this POD, or Payable on Death.  She asked me, "Now, he isn't going to know about this, is he?"  I said, "No, ma'am, not unless you tell him."  "Good," she said, "because if he knew, I'm afraid he would kill me to get the money."  I asked, "Are you SERIOUS?"  "Oh, yes," she said, "he has a problem with drugs."  I asked, "Well WHY are you making him your beneficiary, then?  Aren't you afraid he will use the money for drugs?  And why would you consider this if you think he'd kill you to get to the money?"  She looked me right in the eye and said, "Because he's had a hard life and I want him to know his Grandma loved him."  Now, you tell me....how do you respond to something like that.  Yeah, my face probably looked like yours does right now.  No, I was not able to talk her out of it.

But this one is my favorite.  We had an ATM glitch one weekend.  Normally, the ATM will not allow you to withdraw cash in excess of the overdraft protection attached to your account.  If you have $100 in your account plus $200 in overdraft protection, you could have access to $300 through the ATM.  But this particular weekend, the ATM was allowing UNLIMITED overdraft withdrawals from your account!  One person realized this (yes, only ONE!) and withdrew thousands and thousands from his account, which of course only had a small balance.  In fact, he went to several of our ATMs and had a field day withdrawing money (that he did not have). When Monday rolled around, this man's account was SERIOUSLY overdrawn by THOUSANDS.  We contacted him and he denied that he had made the withdrawals.  He claimed his card had been stolen.  We asked him if he wanted to press charges.  'Darn right, I want to press charges!' and he proceeded to complete a fraud affidavit, including instructions to prosecute the individual responsible to the fullest extent of the law.  SOOOOO.....we pulled the ATM camera pictures (remember, from SEVERAL different ATMS around the area) and asked him if he recognized the perpetrator.  And yes, we prosecuted to the full extent of the law.  After all, that's what he'd instructed us to do!

In My Head, At Least.....

I'm taking the plunge and entering the world of blogging, ya'll.  Deep breath.....GO!

My husband is out of town right now.  I adore my husband.  Really I do.  He's the cutest little engineer you've ever seen.  He's funny, he's sexy (I'm sure my kids are saying 'Mom, Puleze!), and he's brilliant.  I think smart is SO sexy.  I miss my husband and will be SO GLAD when he gets home.  BUT you know what?  I'm enjoying having a little time to myself.  I'm sure it's only enjoyable because it's temporary. If I knew it was going to be more permanent, I'm sure it would be a different story.
I'm not afraid to stay by myself.  Never have been.  It kind of gags me when ladies shreik, "And there I was, all alone in the house...." Yeah, and you're still alive to gab about it, aren't you, so you obviously didn't have that much to be scared about. 
I love being independent.  In fact, it is both a strength and a weakness.  It's a strength (in my head, at least) because I can find a way to do most things all by myself, and the weakness:  I find fault when help is given.  I find myself wanting to say, "Um, if you don't mind (and really, even if you DO), I am sure that I can do a much better job (in my head, at least), so if you'll just skedaddle, I'll do it RIGHT, even if it takes me ten times longer."  I wring my hands and fidget (in my head, at least) and impatiently pace (in my head, at least) hoping the 'helper' will give up and put it in my very capable (in my head, at least) hands. 
I like to do things alone.  It's not that I don't love people; I do.  But I like to 'work' alone.  I love to work.  I love to sweep, mop, cook, scrub, iron, pull weeds, saw, hammer, put things together, sew, paint, vacuum, and dump things out (like closets) and start from scratch.  I may not throw anything out, but it just 'feels' better afterwards.  And I usually find several things I forgot I owned. 
My husband truly can NOT comprehend that I love this kind of physical work, because he hates it. I think (in my head, at least) he thinks I'm lying about it, which is a genuine puzzlement to me. 
One of my favorite things to do is to find an old beat up piece of furniture, take it apart, shore up the worn out 'joints', sand, scrub, and paint it, bringing it back to life. More than once I've left a junk store secretly broken hearted because my husband refused to haul 'that old piece of junk' home, because even if I DO get around to fixing it, where on earth am I going to put it?  Such practical thoughts do not enter my brain.  To me, that little chair needs my help and I can make it beautiful again.  It's like leaving a little orphan in the junk store.  If I don't save it, who will? Then I usually pout the rest of the day, or at least until we go home and I drink a Coke or Dr. Pepper.  That always improves my mood. 
This also explains my preference to shop sans spouse.  Shopping unencumbered by the thought process is more my cup-o-tea.  Plus I don't have to go home to get my soft drink. My Sonic radar saves me from the long, dry drive home....or the drive to the next junk store.  My infinitely practical, cute little engineer does not understand the appeal of Sonic.  How can somebody so smart be so dumb?
I love to play the piano, and not just play a song....I love the scales, the arpeggios, the 'exercises'....the stuff that drives the other people in the house insane.  (I'm pretty sure that's why my husband bought me an electronic piano, complete with HEADPHONES, so he doesn't have to listen to me play those 15 measures over and over and over and over until I get it right.  My kids used to think those were the only 15 measures in the song.) 
I love algebraic formulas.  There is beauty in the harmony of the math used in the formulas.  Very elegant.  Infinitely Useful.  And utterly Mysterious to most folks.  "Ewe, you like math.  What a geek."  To which I proudly & geekily reply, "Guilty, as charged" (in my head, at least.)